Our son Caleb’s would be 26th birthday is drawing near... and here it comes again... the pain.
O that horrid pain.
I guess in some ways I’m glad because I genuinely miss him, and since I can’t see or touch him, the pain reminds me that my love for him is still alive and well.
But pain has this weird way of making us feel broken, un - whole, shattered... un - beautiful.
The mysterious thing about brokenness is what our broken Savior can do with all those fragments...
Perhaps you’ve seen a vase or picture, or some other gorgeous art form that is made up of a bunch of fragmented pieces. Each raged edged shard alone seems pointless... yet put together with a bunch of other misfit pieces, it forms a stunning mosaic.
Mosaic = mixture – conglomerate – complicated – convoluted – tangled – involved – intricate – multi faceted creation.
Isn’t that the story of our one beautiful life?
A gazillion broken pieces that come together to create something staggeringly magnificent for the world to see and receive hope from.
We don’t see or feel it, but others do. Perhaps God made it that way.
I’ve read many times that mother Theresa, in her latter years, whether from tiredness, the enemy’s schemes, or just a super keen awareness of her own sinful nature… Often wondered if she was even worthy of entering heaven. How could that be after all the faith filled prayers she prayed – after all the pain and poverty she brought healing and provision to?
She felt lost – others saw one of the most admirable, selfless lovers of humanity... A beautiful mosaic.
Then there’s Jesus.
I love Ann Voskamps description of a mosaic-type painting of those final moments in Jesus’ life: “In the semi – abstract painting, there's no tidy pattern, just light and dark bleeding into this subtle suggestion of Jesus hanging on the cross. He was hoarse with the begging, for himself, for us: God, why have you abandoned me? Yet he surfaces in the patches of color, the broken brush strokes, the silhouette of him visible in the chaos – Christ entering all this chaos.”
Even Jesus, in his darkest hour of brokenness, wondered where God was... yet depicted the most glorious mosaic of all time.
I would never in a million years assume to have felt the same sacrificial pain Jesus experienced, but I do know the disturbing allurement of pains grip. Each birthday, anniversary or any random moment, when I feel the gut wrenching sorrow of no more todays spent with Caleb in this earth life... hopelessness creeps in, my brokenness becomes more pronounced and I wonder how in Heavens name I can ever be a beacon of light or hope or anything good for anyone to see.
Then I surrender to God’s perfect peace - his soothing presence - and remember HIS ability to take the broken places, the scars and shattered pieces, mixed with his divine touch... and I trust again that...
He will make all things beautiful in its time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
Maybe you can relate to feeling broken, ugly, useless... may the Holy Spirit remind you that while you may only feel & see scattered devastated parts & pieces, others really do see God and goodness in the grand, panoramic, mosaic of your life.
Heavenly Father, please take every fractured place, mend the pain – full spaces, and do your thing in such a way that YOU shine through the cracks and crevices for others to have hope that they can also become a mosaic of your resplendent beauty.